One  of the most common mistakes people make when they embark on a path of spiritual progress is to believe that they have embarked on a journey of self-improvement.  The reason for the misunderstanding, in my experience, is that in most of us, there seems to be a deeply held, though often unconscious conviction,  that who we  are now, right at this minute, is a defective, inferior version of who we ought to be, or should be. In fact,  many people on the spiritual path seem to think their task is to become saintly or “perfect.”  

In other words, there’s a belief that if they aren’t completely unselfish, self-sacrificing,  and caring all of the time,  aren’t always  wise, patient, peaceful, compassionate and understanding (to mention but a few of the virtues many people  imagine an enlightened being possesses) then enlightenment will forever elude them. This insistence on becoming perfect, however,  is one of the biggest hurdles we need to overcome if we  are ever to attain spiritual maturity.    

 The journey to enlightenment is not about  transforming into a perfectly virtuous  person;  as I said,  it isn’t  a self-improvement course.  No, the journey to enlightenment is a journey of self discovery in which we learn who we truly are:(and,  as a matter of fact,  already are, and always have been) “whole, “ complete, at-one with all of Creation.  Specifically, the journey is all about discovering, accepting and experiencing this truth for ourselves.  

So, although we do change on a personal level when we commit to a course of spiritual development and evolution, these changes are  the effect of psychological and emotional changes that occur because of an increase in awareness,  an increase in wisdom,  knowledge, self-knowledge and understanding.  

Our desire to improve upon and perfect ourselves  is a big barrier to our spiritual  progress. What  we really need to do,  is  learn how to  unconditionally love and accept  ourselves and others without demanding that either they,  or we, change.

Yet, the majority of us are all too often unaware of the extent to which we struggle to appear,  become  and be “perfect.” This lack of awareness is usually due to the fact that we are often unconscious  about our motives for doing things. We want to be the perfect wife, the perfect man, woman, daughter, son, teacher,  success story, spiritual seeker etc, etc, etc, without asking ourselves why this matters so much to us.

Basically, it matters because the majority of us are still emotionally dependent on  other people’s approval and we need external approval because we are a mass of insecurities. Scratch the surface of almost the entire population of the world, and regardless of people’s age or status,  you will more than likely find a child waiting to be noticed, acknowledged, praised, accepted and loved. Understand this and you understand what ails the human race.

If we become better than we believe we are, if we become perfect, we think we will at last receive the  unconditional love and acceptance that will heal our soul. We yearn to feel “right” about ourselves, to feel “good” about who we are. In short, we yearn to be at peace with ourselves, because until we are, we know instinctively that we will never be at peace with others or with our life. 

 Yet, one of the major challenges  we face on our journey to enlightenment  is to detach from any dependence on external approval.  Only when  we do this, will we learn the secret of redemption: that our healing, our salvation, comes from within us, not from some external factor or person. 

When we make this  decision to redeem our self, to cease looking for something or someone outside of us who will save,  rescue, soothe,  reassure, or otherwise make things right for us, we gain not just emotional and psychological maturity,  but spiritual maturity as well.  Then, not only are we  spiritually able to stand on our own two feet, we  can also take the stabilizers off our bike!  

According to James McMahon  in his book, “Letting Mother Go,” (1996) when we detach from our need for external approval, “We are free.”  McMahon has other interesting things to say. Our need  to become a  more  improved, more “perfect” self,  he informs us, is inextricably linked to our dependency on other people’s approval, a dependency  which  begins  in infancy when we first become fixated on winning our mother’s approval.  Furthermore, our need for approval, he continues,  is only broken when we no longer need parental approval. He says,

    “When we have separated from mother, we are free to accept and approve of ourselves, free to approve just because we decide to, not because we need to meet any standard. We no longer need parental approval. We no longer need the approval of anyone. We are free.”

So, as  McMahon points out, we develop the notion (or fantasy) in childhood that we need to be perfect in order to please our mother and to become acceptable to her. This  escalates into an ego compulsion  to strive to be the perfect  human being: always right, always wise, always good, always knowing the answer, always having to be the best, etc, etc, etc, until eventually, we learn to  feel ashamed and humiliated when we are anything less than God-like or Goddess-like, anything less than perfect at anything and everything.  

If we are to reach full awareness of our true, divine  identity and situation, we need to relinquish this childlike need to be perfect,  along with the childlike need for external approval.  Because,  as  long as we need approval from other people,  we will keep on repeating the drama of our infancy and childhood,  the drama  of always trying to be our mother’s “good boy” or “good girl, ” always attempting to be better, to measure up to what we think or imagine she demands of us, what other people and the world demands of us, remaining forever at the mercy and whim of every person’s opinion, mood and belief;  resentful, hurt and angry when we don’t receive the approval, permission and validation  we’re waiting  for.  

Our big need is to learn how to mother ourselves, to learn how to nourish, nurture, support, accept and love who we are and what we do  from within our own self. We need to understand that everything we want and need originates from within us,  not from what we believe is outside and seperate from  us.  

More importantly, however, we need to learn to accept,  rather than deny, reject, or attempt to escape from,  our own flawed human nature.  In  confronting and acknowledging our wounded, impaired  self,  we are then free to feel compassion for ourselves, and in turn, other people. We have also,  finally, fully,  joined the human  race, recognising our membership because we perceive that,  on an inner level, we are all  equal.  Even more, we have grown up and decided to accept what is,  rather than  what we wish.  

Until we reach this stage,  we remain in an endless cycle of judgement and rejection every time we - and other people  - don’t measure up to our impossible and unrealistic standards of perfection. We fail to grasp the fact that the moment  we want to change someone we are loving  them less,  that  as soon as we feel the urge to change our self, we have moved away from love. 

So if  we can resist the urge  to change ourselves,  to stop trying to perfect  ourselves, stop trying to resist the truth about who we are right now,  and instead,  turn our energy and attention to the task of getting to know ourselves,  and then accepting  who we are unconditionally, then we have taken a step closer to love, closer to union and “wholeness,”  closer to enlightenment.