In this article, I want  to concentrate on the lost sense  of innocence many of us have had taken away from us when we were children due to the  style of parenting we were subject to (ie. unconscious parenting.)   What was  ”given” to us in  place of our inborn sense of innocence, tragically, was a firm conviction in our intrinsic “badness”  or “wrongness.”  By re-claiming our lost innocence now,  however, we can begin clearing  up our personal family karma, and that of our parents and ancestors, so bringing to a halt the endless passing on of  “the  sins of the fathers” down through the generations. 

It’s important to understand that none of us are  born with the belief that we are bad, unworthy or wrong . As innocent children we all believe we are a delight - and so we are. Unhappily, many of us then  begin to  form the wrong idea about who we are and come to believe it is the  incontrovertible truth.     

 What happens is that we  form ideas about who we are, about the kind of person we are, from  the kind of parenting we receive.  Depending on how our mother,  and/or primary caretaker , related to and responded to us, we learned that we were either lovable and good (innocent) or we learned  to feel  deep shame,  and/or,  a sense of real inner-core  ”badness”  about ourselves.  If we are unlucky enough to learn that we are “bad” then this untrue and damaging self-concept can cause us a great  deal of suffering in our lives, making us feel forever unworthy of receiving good experiences and love. 

It’s all about the signals and messages our parents give us in our childhood about the kind of person we are that causes us to see our self  in a particular way. If we are smacked and punished,  for example, we get the impression we are not  acceptable and pleasing to our parents. We decide we must be “unlovable” and “bad. ”

So if  our mother responded to us as if we were bad, or should feel ashamed of ourselves, or treated us as if we were  not valuable or important, then  we accept this judgement of ourselves as being “true” and “right.”   The opposite is also the case. If we are treated as if we are precious, adorable and utterly lovable, then we accept this judgement of ourselves as being “the truth.” 

How we see ourselves mirrored in our mother’s and father’s eyes, therefore, and in our sibling’s eyes;  how they all look at us, how they touch us or don’t touch us, what they say to us  and what they don’t say to us, determines how we see ourselves, and who we believe we are, usually for the rest of our lives. 

The truth is, every gesture, expression, and attitude we use towards our children is in turn used by them to build up a profile of their identity and measure as an individual. Just as  our parents “gave” us the identity and sense of self we have today,  it is we who “give” our children the sense of identity they will carry with them through life. 

 In this way, unless or until we begin to parent in more conscious ways,  we will continue passing on “the sins of the fathers” down through the generations, producing more  individuals who can’t accept and believe in their own worth and innocence,  and their intrinsic right to receive only good things. 

Parenting styles are  influenced by and sanctioned by the larger  society and its dominant beliefs. Our contemporary culture no longer upholds the concept of “the guilty child”  (the idea that a child is born guilty) but the old fashioned  beliefs of our grandprents such as ”children should be seen and not heard”   gave parents permission to impose obedience on their children,  in whatever way was seen to be the the most effective, even if it meant beating or slapping  their children into compliance.  

 The prevailing belief for many, many generations of parents, was that children were born uncivilised and needed parents to civilise them.  This idea not only  gave adults permission to discipline their children into social acceptability,  but instilled in them the belief that it was their duty to do so.  Parents believed they were failing in their duty as respectable, responsible citizens if they failed to produce children who were - according to the standards of the day - well-behaved and obedient. 

If you are the child of a parent from this generation there’s a good chance that you were smacked and punished “for your own good.” To some extent,  you will probably believe that you deserved the punishment you received and probably hold  the core belief about yourself that you are intrinsically  ”bad,” ”wrong,” or “unworthy.”

While how  we are treated as children  determines the kind of person we think we are,  it also influences how  we relate to other  people, as well as how we relate  to ourselves.  For example, if we weren’t given permission to acknowledge or express all our feelings freely and without criticism ( or without punishment and chastisement) then we’re going to grow up feeling it isn’t o.k. for us to feel certain feelings. 

 ” I can’t stand it when we go out and you talk to everyone else except me all evening!” is a completely justified complaint if that’s how you feel, for example.  If  you’ve been repeatedly  given the message in childhood that emotions like jealousy are bad, however, and that you shouldn’t criticise anyone’ else’s  behaviour,    you probably won’t  be able to even voice your complaint.

 Instead, you might sulk or withdraw your affection,  just to demonstrate your displeasure, but you probably can’t be open and honest about what you truly feel.  You have been robbed of your sense of entitlement to have feelings and express them.  Possibly, you may not be able to even acknowledge that you feel jealous because it has been instilled into you that its wrong to have (so-called) negative or bad  feelings.

Actually, there are no negative or bad feelings, there are just feelings, and we have a right to experience every single one of them without judgement, criticism or rancour from anyone else. Yet, the belief that certain emotions are bad can lead us to hide  what  we believe are unacceptable and unworthy feelings,  even  from ourselves.  Our feelings of jealousy, envy and  anger -  all of the so-called “negative” emotions  -  are often suppressed and denied by us.

These  rejected aspects of our identity - our ability to feel jealousy, anger, greed, envy and  hatred   - are pushed into our unconscious, becoming  part of our “shadow.” If  we are to feel whole we need to re-claim these shadow aspects of ourselves,  and more importantly,  understand that they aren’t bad or wrong or unworthy of us.   This acceptance of our own dark side enables us to be less judgemental,  more accepting and compassionate of other people’s shadow side. It also relieves us of our misguided need to be  saintly or perfect. We can just be ourselves, knowing that we are fine, that we are innocent, just as we are, even with our faults and imperfections.

Over time, our  soul becomes buried under layer upon layer of the false identity we have spent years acquiring in our formative years.  To find our self,  our soul, we need to go back in time, back to our childhood, and begin the process of finding our missing, lost and stolen pieces.  We must learn to undo what has been done to us and do what we can to ensure that we don’t pass our wounds, and our mother’s and grandmother’s wounds,  on to the next generation.

Because when the false self we have acquired in our childhood is a “bad self,  we are condemned to believe that in the very depths of our soul, we are bad, guilty and unworthy, and when we take this as “the truth” about who we are,  it can effect every part of our life, simply because we will never feel that we deserve to be happy, or that we deserve to have other people’s support or loyalty, or their unconditional love, or success, or even,  basic respect and honesty from others.  

As always,  go within and  reflect on what you have read. Examine your past as honestly as you can. Clearing these issues releases you from your family  karma; it also releases your parents and ancestors from their family  karma because the ”guilt” which has been passed on down through the generations can stop with you.   

If you decide after reflection and self-examination  that you do indeed  own  a “bad” self that has been projected onto you in your conditioning and socialising stage, then let it go. Just drop it, it is an idea about yourself that is neither justified or true and it absolutley doesn’t serve your best interests. 

It may take you a while to form the new habit of seeing and feeling yourself to be innocent, but just keep  telling yourself over and over that you are a good person until you finally get the message.  Becoming conscious of something is actually all you need do to bring about a healing,  so by constantly re-minding yourself of your own innocence, you will re-condition yourself into a more realistic view of yourself.